Be Yourself

            “You are so f-ing stupid!”  Not exactly an invitation to “Be Yourself” – words tossed like a hundred hand grenades with timing devices programmed to randomly explode at times long after you thought the battle was over.

            Madeleine L’Engle in her book A Circle of Quiet has introduced me to ontology.  And the book arrived at practically the same time as Faith Jam's writing prompt “Be Yourself”.  I call this dot connecting and the timing is not oddly enough, but godly enough.

            Sharing struggles in community is frightening.  My bunker during verbal skirmishes is the world of words.  My journals, books, Bible, study guides, blogs, and the letters, words, sentences, paragraphs, chapters, and volumes they form are my soldiers.  They surround me and stand ready to guard my heart and mind from the attacks, but even they are caught off guard at times.  No. I said that unfairly.  The Word is never with its guard down.  It truly stands at all times. 

            In times of peace my soldiers are more like children during story time.  They gather round me anxiously waiting to be engaged in my studies and my ponderings, eager to interact in the journey, yet willing to slip into the background as easily and wait to be called on in turn.  They make no demands on my time, on my attention, on my intellect, on my being.  They accept that I am whatever I am while treating me as if, no matter what, I am not f-ing stupid.  They believe it is their mission, their calling, to build me up, shape me, encourage me, not tear me down.

Image: Sattva on FreeDigitalPhotos.net

            So begins the Ontology Project.  A blog dedicated to being me, whoever that is.  I cannot safely explore this through my devotional blog.  I recognize and admit that the only blog by which any other knows me is less than transparent.  It is sanitized.  It is safe.  I'm not in a place at this moment where I feel that sharing this journey with those who believe they know me or have long known me is safe.  He who says I am f-ing stupid does not know I have a blog.  The blog would be stupid.  To read so much, to write so much, is stupid.  The very processes that bring me joy are, to him, stupid.

            While I'm sure that I long for him to catch glimpses of the real me, I don't know if it will ever be safe to do expose them.  And until it is safe, I don't want to be discovered and subjected to more grenades and new ammunition.

            I am more than what he says I am.  Surely.  To goodness.  I am more.

            And, for the record, The Ontology Project is about ME.  About being ME.  About becoming ME.

            Will you journey with me as I try to discover who I am, really?  Will you share what you are learning about what it means in your life to "be yourself"and then hop over to Faith Jam and journey with others who are keeping faith fresh?